Perjalanan adalah sebuah fasa kehidupan. Nak tak nak, lepas habis satu fasa, kita kena sentiasa bersedia untuk ke fasa hidup yang lain pulak dan kita perlu adaptasi diri dengan semua tu. Lambat atau cepat, segalanya akan tetap diteruskan. Ok, berbalik kepada cerita sebenar yang aku nak sampaikan.
Aku ada kawan yang mana kadang-kadang dia share pasal kehidupan relationship dia dengan aku. I don’t know since when I became a good listener, but I think am getting good at it. I still remember in my early 20s that when someone told me their problem, I feel helpless that I can’t give them a good advice. I am not good at giving advice. Maybe because I am the youngest kid in my family and I am not used to listening to problem where people refer to me. Or even, I am the person who reserve my emotion that I not usually ventilate it out to other people, so, I also don’t know what is the best soothing words that make my heart calm. So I grew up not knowing how to ‘pujuk’ orang, cause no one have ever ‘pujuk’ or pamper me since young haha. Ok, what a long justification.
But as time goes by, when something big happen in my life, I also do not know how to react. I try to seek advice from people, but none of it makes myself calm. Mungkin aku keras kepala, atau ego aku tinggi sampai aku taknak orang nampak aku menangis atau sedih. I rarely cry in front of people. Walaupun masa kecil dulu, aku lah budak yang paling suka merajuk dan menangis, you know being a youngest kid, sometimes you automatically have that kind of attitude, but no one have ever validate my feeling. I learnt that crying is wrong. I learnt that crying in front of people is a kind of embarrassment dan lepas tu aku membesar untuk rasa diri kuat dan tak menangis sebab aku belajar takkan ada orang yang akan pujuk hati aku lepas tu. I usually pujuk diri sendiri.
Dan aku rasa perkara ni yang membentuk diri aku macam tu. Not knowing how to react, not knowing how to empathy. Even I think that crying is a kind of weakness. I usually hold my emotion and feeling, lock myself in my bedroom when I think I have problem and never show my crying side anymore to other people. How intense and how deep my emotion is, I will not let other people know.
Sampailah bila aku nekad untuk share my problem with my lecturer who is a clinical psychologist, waktu tu aku rasa first time in my life after a long time I’m crying my heart out. I could sense there is an intense emotion that I don’t let it out in and let someone validate my feeling. A few times jugak aku jumpa lecturer aku. I am blessed to meet her. Satu perkataan yang aku paling ingat dia kata,
“Don’t think crying is a weakness, it is actually a strength. Don’t think that seeking out for help is a kind of weakness. I am proud of you that you finally seek for help.”
Lebih kurang macam tu lah. And after a few session, my condition is getting better. I learnt how to manage my emotion and validate my feeling. I don’t know how she do it, but really, she was able to hold my hand and take me out from my misery. Sejak dari tu, aku belajar cara yang betul untuk jadi listener yang baik. Tak perlu pun nak advise berbakul-bakul. Tak perlu pun nak jadi motivator, cakap pungpang pungpang tapi tak membantu pun orang yang share masalah. Hanya perlu mendengar dan ada.
After the session ends, she usually gave me a warm hug that I feel so touched. I broke into tears again. I am not the kind of person who is fond of physical assurance. I don’t know, maybe it is awkward in m family to do that, or we just lost the phase of physical touch to each other. But I believe that, we as a human being, perlu ada physical assurance tu, to give a sense of we are loved, to give a sense that we are being appreciated, and it really give lifting your mood and boost your emotion. Mungkin sebab tu lah jugak, I like to give my niece and nephew a warm hug. Haha. Lagi-lagi kalau yang kecik lagi lah. Bukan saja untuk diorang, tapi untuk aku jugak. I hope that when they grow up, I can still hug them like when they were a kid, especially yang anak buah perempuan lah.
Haih, sebenarnya aku nak cerita pasal kawan aku tu, tapi entah macam mana sampai ke sini pulak aku membebel. Next time lah aku cerita pasal tu pulak. Itulah, selalunya kalau aku nak cerita pasal orang, at the end lebih kepada cerita pasal diri dan insight diri sendiri. Good for me lah. Ok, till next time. Aku malas nak proofread, so kalau ada apa-apa yang kedengan janggal dibaca tu, faham-faham je lah. It is more fresh bagi aku. Anggap je ini ibarat physical journal that you usually don’t edit your writings once you finish writing. Haha.
Bye!
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