Kelakar

Macam kelakar pulak aku nak cakap dan tulis pasal ni. Rasa macam kesian dan simpati pada diri sendiri pun ada. Tapi kalau aku beritahu orang pun, apa je yang diorang boleh tolong. Paling-paling pun diorang akan kata,

“Sabarlah, adalah tu nanti.”

“Ala, tak payah fikir sangat pasal ni, bina je kerjaya apa semua dulu. Nanti adalah tu.”

“Ala, takpe muda lagi.” (Ini jawapan aku paling takleh terima. Aku dah tua lah woi. Haha. Kalau lelaki lainlah. Haha

“Ala takpe, timeline masa orang kan berbeza-beza. Aku yakin akan ada someone untuk kau, Amal.”

Aku rasa korang pun dah tahu pasal apa kan. Haha. Korang jangan baca ni dengan nada sedih. Aku taknak orang simpati pada aku. Entahlah aku taktahu aku nak apa. Sila baca dengan nada ketawa-ketawa. Tapi jangan ketawa sangat, nanti aku rasa korang tak serius pulak bila aku cakap pasal hal ni.

Kadang bila aku tengok orang lain dah bahagia apa semua, tipulah kata kalau aku tak cemburu. Ye lah, garis masa diorang yang macam smooth dan dipermudahkan apa semua. Lagi-lagi yang perempuan lah kan. Bila dah sampai umur sekian-kian, masa tu, ecewah dia pun dipinang orang.

Masa nilah aku rasa rindu zaman muda aku. Kenapalah dulu aku tak terima je siapa-siapa yang nak meminang aku (haha, hey ada je yang nak kenal aku ok, tapi entah, masa tu hati belum terbuka, ha pastu padan muka kau Amalina sampai sekarang hati dah tertutup, aiyokk)

Tapi bila usia dah meningkat ni, aku rasa macam, eh seriuslah memang takde siapa nak suka kat aku. Waktu nilah aku rasa macam self-doubt dan self-blame ya amat dengan merasakan aku ni seorang yang sangat difficult. Aku rasa kalau aku ada financial freedom, ada kerja dan gaji yang ok, ada aset, ada perancangan masa depan yang baik, mungkin aku tak rasa sendu macam ni. Mungkin aku akan enjoy je masa single aku. Yelah, nak dikatakan, aku ada je member-member perempuan yang baya aku, masih single gak. Tapi diorang ok je (maybe la) sebab aku rasa diorang pun ada kerja dan komitmen orang dewasa yang sepatutnya. Member sekeliling pun yang usia sebaya dan phase sama macam diorang. Mungkin sebab tulah kurang sendu. 

Kalau aku, aku rasa sendu betul sebab member yang aku rapat sekarang ni, muda-muda pastu diorang kita dalam timeline kehidupan diorang lah, nak cari calon apa semua kan, so diorang boleh je lepak-lepak lagi. Book orang sana, book orang sini.

Ada sampai satu masa, aku rasa macam taknak kawan semua orang yang suka show-off dia dah bahagia ni. Haha. Scary kan aku. Orang nak bahagia pun aku tak nak kawan. Bukan nak happy untuk dorang. Haha takdelah. Bukan aku tak happy, cuma aku tak dapat relate dengan kebahagiaan tu. Dia macam aku cuba je untuk empati dan merasakan kebahagiaan tu, tapi tak boleh, malah aku rasa makin sendu lagi adalah. Tapi aku cubalah, wish lah congrats ke apa macam biasa. Tapi sebab dia dah bahagia dan diorang pun bukanlah member rapat aku sangat, so aku rasa macam, hmm, my happiness tak significant pun. Tak menambahkan kegembiraan dia pun kalau aku wish ke tak. They ara already happy. I’m just a sad potato trying to fit in the norm, by wishing congrats. Haha. See, how my overthinking capacity goes beyond that.

Tapi aku rasa mungkin aku akan kurang sendu bila aku dah habis study nanti ni, aku dapat kerja yang ok, aku boleh kembali dengan komitmen financial aku, aku boleh get back on track balik masa depan aku macam mana, aku jumpa member yang sebaya yang mempunyai nasib single sama macam aku. Aku rasa mungkin benda tu akan sedikit sebanyak beri aku support system. Cuma sekarang, circle member aku semua yang dah ada someone (kot lah) which just put the peer pressure on me more. Haha.

Ada member aku cakap, suruhlah mak ayah cari ke apa. No, it’s not easy. Kadang aku rasa, matlamat aku bukanlah nak berumah tangga semata-mata. Aku lebih kepada nak mencari support system yang sama-sama boleh mengharungi hidup ini dan berfikir sama pasal komitmen aku haha. Aku taknak menjebakkan orang dengan komitmen aku bila dah kahwin nanti. Gitu.

Tapi aku rasa sekurang-kurangnya aku beruntung ada abang yang masih single dan nak tolong aku untuk financial planning aku. Sikit-sikit dia bagi tips macam mana nak langsaikan komitmen tu, even aku tau entah bila lah semua ni akan berakhir. Tapi aku cuba juga jadi kuat untuk diri sendiri.

Tipulah kalau kata sepanjang aku hidup ni au takde heartbroken. Tapi aku rasa sebab aku dah pernah melalui heartbroken yang besar, waktu tu bertahun-tahun aku perlukan untuk bangkit balik. Jadi, heartbroken yang lain tu aku rasa macam makan kacang sikit lah. Ambil juga lah masa beberapa hari, tapi lepas rasionalisasi dan reframe thoughts aku sikit, aku rasa aku boleh hadapi semua tu, insha allah. 

Dengan menulis ni pun aku rasa satu benda yang membantu aku untuk reframe balik pemikiran aku. Walaupun mungkin lah solusinya aku takde pun sekarang. Tapi sekurang-kurangnya aku dapat express apa yang aku rasa. Akan datang, bila aku baca balik, aku tahulah aku pernah hadapi saat yang macam ini. 

Kadang-kadang kan, aku rasa perlu juga untuk orang tahu apa yang kita rasa. Contoh ada beberapa perkara yang macam perlu tulis di sosial media. Tapi bila aku fikir balik, tak semua orang nak pun tahu pasal kita. Mungkin bila usia dah meningkat macam ni, apa yang paling penting adalah diri aku sendiri. Sharing is one thing, yeah. Perlu untuk rasa sense of connectedness tu, tapi tak semua orang kita boleh connect. Sebab tu jugalah, I am very particularto whom I share my story or updates with. My whatsapp status viewer for example are limited to those that I only believe yang tak judgemental and only them I allow to view my updates. Tapi ye lah, kita tak boleh la expect orang yang kita view the updates to untuk reply. Somtimes, they just wanted to know what we are doing, without really bother to ask, how am I doing. But it is okay. I learnt to not putting so much expectation and that is more important so that you won’t feel disappointed when things did not happen as what you wanted. So, kita chill aja.

Ok, so this is much of the things that is in my mind right now. I am glad that I am able to express it here. By the way, the urge to write is not something that I plan to. It just come naturally when I am playing with mobile games and I feel likes there are so many words in my mind that I need to let it out. And, there you go, a blog post that I don’t even plan earlier on what to write but here I am, trying to find my last words with my random rants for today.

See ya, bye!

Ventilate

I don’t know why I have to say this but I hate the feeling of being insignificant in someone or anyone’s life. For example, I am the last person to know about something or some event. Even though I seem like I don’t care or may not be able to be happy for them (or maybe they just feel pity to share to me because they know it will only make me sad because I haven’t achieve that), but actually I want to be included. It is better for me to not knowing anything at the end rather than I know from someone else.

There is one day even at this age my parents are planning to go to for a camp with other 4x4 members. My brother came back to hometown the other day and he even know about the planning. While me, I don’t have any clue that we will be going to the camp. I only find out in the morning when they are about to go. Everyone though that I already know but they never communicate with me about that plan. I was so sad (and angry) at that time. I know, I shouldn’t be angry, let alone to my parents, but my heart won’t lie. I was so sad that I am not involved in the family’s decision. I am so sad that I am the last person to know. I know, I should be more mature, I should not take this thing seriously, but maybe the nature as the youngest child, I am rebellious. I may be silence but deep in my heart, I feel like everyone hate me. No one ever love me, no one ever care for me.

So, back to the story that I don’t like to be the last person to know something. Maybe they think that they don’t want to burden me, but please, once you eliminate me in your life, it will leave a large scar in my heart. I am easily get hurt. I don’t know. I can’t help. I don’t want to be this way either. I just want to be like a normal human being who are cool about everything but I just can help to feel this way.

So, the next time I know I am the last person to know, nothing I can feel anymore. I don’t hate you. I don’t hate people. I just hate the situation and I just hate this feeling and I just hate myself, because I can’t do anything except to feel hurt over a small matter.

This is still an annoying random rants, but I can’t help myself. I don’t have anyone to ventilate this.

Safe space

I realize there is one thought that make me so hard to be close with other people. The barrier that I unintentionally build surrounding myself that I don’t simply allow people to get to know me better. Sometimes I just put the barrier so high that people will think I am either too unfriendly, difficult or fierce. When you get to know people, eventually when you get so close, you tend to share more than just a story, maybe it goes beyond your background etc and that what make me feel very uncomfortable when people ask me too much or digging my past story too much that eventually just make myself to end the conversation as soon as possible.

One reason I am doing this because the more I know about the other person who seem having a normal life or mentally stable, the more I feel hurt, knowing that I am having a difficult timeline. They are not wrong for having that. It is how life supposed to be. But exchanging such stories, just make me feel different. I can’t relate with their stories and they may not be able to relate with mine, unless they have some difficult stories that we both can support each other, and that is when the barrier breaks, little by little.

Having the safe space to give and share, knowing that even though you are not in the same cabin, maybe you are in the same boat. Maybe the situation might be different, but the emotion and feeling you are experiencing is the same. And only by that, I am able to relate and to become someone that I am really a human being.

And that exchanging stories can be so engaging and insightful. It is like a recharge and discharge your energy at the same time. The mutual emotional support that both can give because you know how hard it is to not being listened and understood. It is all seemed so soothing and healing at the same time, to finally able to find someone you can share with, without being judgmental.

However, one thing you should know, it may not be permanent. All the safe space you are having may be crushed within a minute when one of the parties already found their happiness somewhere else, while you are still struggling with your emotion. You thought you could go through this phase together, but you might be wrong. You are not expecting to stick together for the rest of the life, but at least you hope that the safe space is not being damaged. 

Difficult

Sometimes I think that will there be a different if I am more mentally stable. I mean like, if I don’t have much issues in my life and my timeline is not that difficult, will it be any much easier for me to go through this life. Sometimes I am quite jealous with the life of others who seem to be smooth and easy for them. They study, graduated at the right age, got a job, getting married, having carrier etc and they can do whatever they want after that. Maybe they will be some hurdle and obstacles along the way like life after the marriage etc, but at least they have gone through the phase that supposedly a human being should go through. I mean like, according to the timeline.

People would say that everybody has their own timeline and so do I. At first, that sentence is like a motivation for me to just focus on what I am doing and not comparing it with other people, but as time goes by, the more I think about it, the more it gets annoying. People are trying to comfort me with that sentence when in fact they really can’t relate with that. It gets more annoying when people say that they have some difficulties too but what they showed to the public, openly, is the other way round. It just like they said something to make you feel better and saying that they are in the same boat, but actually they are doing well and their boat is even better now, and they just left you with the spoil boat that haven’t been fix.

But I realize that, it is their life. It is their choice of choosing happiness. Being someone that is not significant to anyone’s life, you cannot control what other’s are behaving. You did not own them. Maybe both of you met for a certain reason only at certain time, and when one party has achieved what they really need, they will just leave you with your own struggle. And the fact that they already find their happiness, it will be so cruel for you to drag them back to your own sad world. They can be selfish when it is involve their well-being. They can choose to be like that. Or maybe after this while, I am the toxic person in their life that keep dragging them in my gloomy world when in fact they almost reach their way out to the happiness. Since I am a difficult person, there is no way to make me feel better, and leaving is the only option.

I don’t know why this post is so sad. I think it is not a sad vibe, rather just a rationalization on why some things did not happen they way you plan. It just some rationalization that doubting own self is better that putting the doubt to other people. People are not wrong. I am wrong even in the beginning. I think self-blaming is better to make me feel better. At least I don’t hate people. I don’t put the grudge on them when they are doing something that hurt my heart. It is me who gets so sensitive easily and I cannot control what others are behaving but I can control how am I behaving. They may not know they are doing wrong. It is me who overthink something that kills me slowly.

People are not wrong. I am wrong, to feel this way.

Heal

I thought I could care for people unconditionally without hoping anything in return. I thought I can help and be a good listener or helper in providing some emotional support. But I was wrong. It never been easy to help someone when in fact your are the one who need help. It just a pitiful of your own self because you try to make other people feel better but you are still the one who are still struggling. It is more pitiful when the person you help have found their happiness while you are still defining your own happiness. It never been been easy.

Just focus on myself, heal myself first before healing others, find my own happiness first before helping someone finding their happiness. I try to be strong, but I just don’t have the capacity.

Stop hurting yourself. Heal yourself first, Amalina. That is too much for you to bear. 

May you find your happiness, Amalina. If not in this world, maybe in the hereafter.

Lesson

I told a friend of mine that I know I can’t depend on people for my happiness. Because I know if we put hope on other people we might be hurt because it may be just temporary, nothing last. Nothing is certain.

But my friend’s replies made me so touched, here is what I quote her message

Tbh, bila orang kata dont depend your happiness dekat others kita tak agree, because what if thats the only thing way kita look up to every morning and that’s the only way to fight for another? Yes, there’s a bit of consequence to that. Bila someone pergi, it feels like some part of you pun pergi or you feel worthless. So, I learned the next time, do not hope for anything bcs things are just uncertain and do the best what I can.

The part of what if depending your happiness on someone is the only things that we look up really smashed me hard. Sebelum ni, aku rasa yang happiness memang kena letak pada diri sendiri, sebab at the end kita yang memaknakan kebahagiaan tu. Aku cuba, bukan aku tak cuba. I usually do online shopping as a reward for myself. Although I know it is kind of waste, but that’s the only thing that makes me happy, and I looked up for that every month when I get my paycheck. I know I should have been saved some money. I do. But some of it I use for self reward. But still, that action of yourself to bring the happiness by your own, is not enough.

I am still looking forward for someone significant that I can share my happiness and sadness. Yes, sometimes, I do share with my family about my achievement etc but you know, being me, someone a random and nonsense things that I want t share is not relevant to be shared to my family members. The goofy side of me, the playfulness side of me. And that is killing me, not having someone that I can randomly share my stories.

Thanks my dear friend for spending some time to read and my random rants. I told her because I feel helpless, not having someone that can relate with my feeling. Although we are not in the same shoes, our difficulties might be in different angle, but I am very thankful that she can relate with my feeling. Knowing that someone you can rely on and be your safe space without hurting you and your emotion, is truly a blessing.

I learnt my lesson that I have put my reliant on the wrong person and that is just killing me. But my friend said, not waste your time on someone who did not think of your worth. That really take me back up.

I learnt my lesson, hardly.

Reframe

I have some interesting insight that I want to share but since I have no one to share with, nah, so I write it here. I remember the good time during my study year where I frequently share my thoughts and insight with my friends and that is kind of a self-recharging for me. Sometimes we jumped from one topic to another. It is so refreshing, to get your mind to actively thinking and critically commenting on something. I would not say it as gossiping, maybe la some part of it, but it is usually not involve people much, sometimes we discussed about the system, about the future, about how we can connect our knowledge to the real worlds. Really, it gave me a sense of wisdom. Ok, cut it off. 

Perjalanan adalah sebuah fasa kehidupan. Nak tak nak, lepas habis satu fasa, kita kena sentiasa bersedia untuk ke fasa hidup yang lain pulak dan kita perlu adaptasi diri dengan semua tu. Lambat atau cepat, segalanya akan tetap diteruskan. Ok, berbalik kepada cerita sebenar yang aku nak sampaikan.

Aku ada kawan yang mana kadang-kadang dia share pasal kehidupan relationship dia dengan aku. I don’t know since when I became a good listener, but I think am getting good at it. I still remember in my early 20s that when someone told me their problem, I feel helpless that I can’t give them a good advice. I am not good at giving advice. Maybe because I am the youngest kid in my family and I am not used to listening to problem where people refer to me. Or even, I am the person who reserve my emotion that I not usually ventilate it out to other people, so, I also don’t know what is the best soothing words that make my heart calm. So I grew up not knowing how to ‘pujuk’ orang, cause no one have ever ‘pujuk’ or pamper me since young haha. Ok, what a long justification.

But as time goes by, when something big happen in my life, I also do not know how to react. I try to seek advice from people, but none of it makes myself calm. Mungkin aku keras kepala, atau ego aku tinggi sampai aku taknak orang nampak aku menangis atau sedih. I rarely cry in front of people. Walaupun masa kecil dulu, aku lah budak yang paling suka merajuk dan menangis, you know being a youngest kid, sometimes you automatically have that kind of attitude, but no one have ever validate my feeling. I learnt that crying is wrong. I learnt that crying in front of people is a kind of embarrassment dan lepas tu aku membesar untuk rasa diri kuat dan tak menangis sebab aku belajar takkan ada orang yang akan pujuk hati aku lepas tu. I usually pujuk diri sendiri.

Dan aku rasa perkara ni yang membentuk diri aku macam tu. Not knowing how to react, not knowing how to empathy. Even I think that crying is a kind of weakness. I usually hold my emotion and feeling, lock myself in my bedroom when I think I have problem and never show my crying side anymore to other people. How intense and how deep my emotion is, I will not let other people know.

Sampailah bila aku nekad untuk share my problem with my lecturer who is a clinical psychologist, waktu tu aku rasa first time in my life after a long time I’m crying my heart out. I could sense there is an intense emotion that I don’t let it out in and let someone validate my feeling. A few times jugak aku jumpa lecturer aku. I am blessed to meet her. Satu perkataan yang aku paling ingat dia kata, 

“Don’t think crying is a weakness, it is actually a strength. Don’t think that seeking out for help is a kind of weakness. I am proud of you that you finally seek for help.”

Lebih kurang macam tu lah. And after a few session, my condition is getting better. I learnt how to manage my emotion and validate my feeling. I don’t know how she do it, but really, she was able to hold my hand and take me out from my misery. Sejak dari tu, aku belajar cara yang betul untuk jadi listener yang baik. Tak perlu pun nak advise berbakul-bakul. Tak perlu pun nak jadi motivator, cakap pungpang pungpang tapi tak membantu pun orang yang share masalah. Hanya perlu mendengar dan ada.

After the session ends, she usually gave me a warm hug that I feel so touched. I broke into tears again. I am not the kind of person who is fond of physical assurance. I don’t know, maybe it is awkward in m family to do that, or we just lost the phase of physical touch to each other. But I believe that, we as a human being, perlu ada physical assurance tu, to give a sense of we are loved, to give a sense that we are being appreciated, and it really give lifting your mood and boost your emotion. Mungkin sebab tu lah jugak, I like to give my niece and nephew a warm hug. Haha. Lagi-lagi kalau yang kecik lagi lah. Bukan saja untuk diorang, tapi untuk aku jugak. I hope that when they grow up, I can still hug them like when they were a kid, especially yang anak buah perempuan lah.

Haih, sebenarnya aku nak cerita pasal kawan aku tu, tapi entah macam mana sampai ke sini pulak aku membebel. Next time lah aku cerita pasal tu pulak. Itulah, selalunya kalau aku nak cerita pasal orang, at the end lebih kepada cerita pasal diri dan insight diri sendiri. Good for me lah. Ok, till next time. Aku malas nak proofread, so kalau ada apa-apa yang kedengan janggal dibaca tu, faham-faham je lah. It is more fresh bagi aku. Anggap je ini ibarat physical journal that you usually don’t edit your writings once you finish writing. Haha.

Bye! 

Sudahlah

I think I realize in myself when I grow up, is that I don’t like to preach or influence people. Yes, I know, it is good to show a good example to other people, or advise each other. But the more I do it, the less unlikely that I feel it is myself. Atau mungkin saja aku sebenafrnya dah jauh daripada itu semua. Itu sebab bila nak mengatakan sesuatu yang aku tak buat jadi lebih sukar dan berat. Hmm. Entah.

Cumanya pernah satu masa dulu, aku berada dan cuba dalam kebaikan, tapi aku rasa aku belum cukup sempurna nak menjadi yang menasihatkan. Aku rasa aku masih banyak lagi lompong yang hanya aku sendiri yang tahu. Dan bila mana aku menjadi ‘budak baik’, aku rasa seperti aku dilihat sebagai orang yang sukar untuk didekati dan mungkin orang rasa aku bersikap judgemental. Tapi aku tahu, itu hanyalah sangkaan aku pada diri sendiri dan orang lain. Tapi ianya takkan menjadi sangkaan kalau bukan aku yang merasai dan menghadapi.

Bila mana aku menjadi terlalu ‘baik’ bukanlah aku tak dapat apa yang aku nak. Aku cuba merangka yang baik-baik sahaja untuk kehidupan aku. Tapi kita sebagai manusia hanya mampu merancang, tetapi pada akhirnya Dia jua lah yang menentukan. Mungkin dan memang ada saja sisa-sisa dosa yang terbaki yang menjadi penghalang untuk aku dapat atau selesaikan apa yang aku impian. Tapi itu hanyalah andaian aku. Aku tetap bersangka baik pada Allah kerana segala apa yang Dia telah aturkan untukku hingga ke saat ini, pasti akan ada hikmah di sebaliknya. Hikmah yang mungkin akan muncul dalam beberapa ketika lagi, jika aku bersabar.

Memang jalan ini tak semudah seperti orang lain. Kalau orang lain boleh hadapi garis masa kehidupan yang biasa, aku terpaksa melalui garis masa kehidupan yang entah aku tak tahu macam mana nak aku gambarkan. Ada masa aku rasa akulah orang terpaling bahagia, ada masa aku rasa akulah orang paling berduka, ada masa aku tidak merasa apa-apa. Tapi itu hanya apa yang aku rasa, yang mana orang lain melihat mungkin aku sudah punya kelebihan-kelebihan yang lain, tapi aku tetap dengan rasa ketidaksempurnaan aku. Saat aku rasa aku insan paling berduka, sebenarnya orang lain jauh lagi duka daripada aku. Tak, bukan aku tak bersyukur, apatah lagi menolak segala rezeki yang telah dilimpahkurniakan padaku. Aku sangat bersyukur. Cumanya aku rasa emosi dan perasaan itu pada satu-satu masa, perlu divalidasi. Bukan untuk membandingkan dengan orang lain, tapi cukup untuk melihat dan merasa emosi yang terkesan dalam diri, untuk ada rasa kasihan pada diri, untuk rasa, perasaan dan emosi kita juga punya hati. Kita juga manusia, bukan. Sedih dan bahagia itu pasti akan silih berganti.

Pada ketika ini, aku cuba berkongsi rasa dan hati, tapi aku tak mahu terlalu meletakkan validasi perasaan pada manusia sehingga aku lupa manusia itu kan sifatnya sementara. Aku juga manusia, aku juga sementara. Walau seribu kali aku rasa ingin bercerita, seribu kali juga aku rasa cerita aku sekadar cerita rawak yang tak memberi apa-apa makna. 

Ah sudahlah.

Deactivate

Hari tu aku rasa macam nak deactivate Facebook lama-lama. Dari dulu lagi aku nak buat sebenarnya tapi sebab aku masih ada komitmen yang perlu aku on FB, so aku hold dulu niat aku nak deactivate. Bila ada satu masa yang aku dah takde komitmen, ha waktu nilah aku rasa nak lari sekejap daripada dunia maya.

Tapi bila fikir balik, bukan nak lari sangat pun. Mungkin ada sikit. Sebab macam semua orang nak flex kehidupan masing-masing je, haha aku jadi serabut. Ye lah, dengan lingkungan kawan aku pelbagai. Ada yang dari sekolah rendah, sekolah menengah, universiti apa semua yang ada dua zaman, aku rasa faham adeh penat lah. Lagi-lagi kalau jenis content cringe, hmm rasa nak hempuk-hempuk je. Betullah senior aku kata dulu umur lepas grad adalah umur meroyan yang mana semua orang macam keluar lah caption nak kahwin lah apalah. Alahai. Simpan sendiri sudahlah. Hahah. Tapi aku tak salahkan siapa-siapa pun. Aku pun pernah fasa begitu. Mungkin bagus juga mereka ada fasa begitu yang meluahkan secara terbuka, at least at the end nanti dorang kahwin la awal kan. Kalau tak, ngeh, single la, apa lagi padan muka. Muda-muda dulu taknak cari orang. Ha, kan dah outdated daripada market. Kahkah.

Oh tapikan, berbalik kepada deactivate FB tu, aku ingat aku nak melarikan diri sekejap, tapi rupanya aku tak dapat nak lari pun sebab sosial medialah dunia aku sekarang. Internet lah tempat aku lihat dunia luar. Aku rasa bukan aku je kot. Orang lain pun. Dalam fasa pandemik ni, nak keluar sangat pun tak boleh. Hmm. Atau mungkin aku boleh cuba memasak ke apa kan. Tapi entahlah mood memasak aku dah lama hilang lepas hilangnya separuh emosi aku. Percayalah, dulu aku kat UK dulu suka je masak untuk adik-adik usrah. Kadang time usrah, aku masakkan diorang carrot cake, ada je benda baru nak cuba. Nak beli barang pun senang. Otw balik kelas singgah je Lidl ke Poundland ke or Morrison beli barang nak masak. Oh I miss UK. Insha allah ada kesempatan nanti aku nak ke sana lagi. Maybe dengan suami ke. Kahkah perasan. Tapi betul apa. Hmm sapotlah sikit. Hahah.

Hahah. Aku pun taktahu lah kenapa aku tulis post ni mungkin saja nak bermonolog seorang diri. Ha, kalau terbaca jangan judge aku. Aku takde member dah sembang ni. Korang kena faham. Dulu time study year kat sini, ade lah member ajak berfikir dan berbual. Kadang-kadang aku stay overnight kat rumah diorang, pillowtalk apa semua. Sekarang ni mana nak dapat bhai. Semua orang struggle masing-masing lah. Bagi yang telah bertemu member berbual seumur hidup tu, tahniah sis ucapkan. Ah bosan la tajuk jodoh ni.

Ok kita masuk topik menyimpan kewangan pula. Serius weyh, apa perancangan kewangan korang eh (ala-ala ada orang blogwalking baca blog aku kahkah). Mungkin aku dah terlambat sikit lah nak buat perancangan kewangan. Patutnya dari umur 24 ke apa lagi kan. Tapi nak buat macam mana, hidup mesti diteruskan, yeah. Tapi alhamdulillah bila aku dapat pengecualian PTPTN hari tu, sedikit sebanyak aku rasa dah terlepas dari satu beban kewangan. Tapi perjalanan aku masih jauh weyh. Sumpah jauh. Dah ah, aku taktahulah apa akan jadi akan-akan datang ni tapi aku berharap apa yang aku rancang indirectly akan dipermudahkan. Apa yang aku rancang? Entah. Haha. Aku takde specific perancangan. Tapi aku berharap bila masa berlalu, urusan aku dipermudahkan. Nanti bulan 9, 10, 11 macam tu, aku dah ken start fikir kerja yang betul-betul. Dan aku harap waktu tu covid pun dah reda dan aku pun boleh berhijrah ke mana-mana (walaupun aku rasa kan best kalau lepas je aku habis master ni, aku boleh fikir ke fasa kehidupan seterusnya pulak kahkah). Kau tengok harapan ku menggunung tinggi. Takpelah, nanti time tu, aku cari jodoh kat portal cari jodoh ke en. Weyh, ada apa kawan aku bertemu jodoh kat situ. Ko jangan main-main. Cuma aku belum bersedia lagi lah nak all out cari sebab aku takleh ah, aku akan judgmental dengan gambar orang. Ye, aku tau, aku pun orang boleh, aa takpelah sis redo. Siapa suruh single. Hahah

Wah panjang lebar aku membebel. Sekurang-kurangnya aku rasa aku boleh berjenaka dengan diri sendiri. Penat lah buat lawak dengan diri sendiri pastu sengih ketawa senget sipi-sipi je. Dah lama tak ketawa dengan orang. Hahaha. Aku ni kelakar orangnya. Dulu waktu umur aku 20-an aku lah penceria kehidupan kawan-kawan. Tapi bila aku ditimpa sesuatu yang mendukacitakan, aku rasa aku hilang sense of humor tu, yang orang lihat hanyalah garang dan jangan diusik. Entahlah nak.

Nak membebel kat FB pun rasa macam takde siapa nak kisah dan baca. Ye lah, kau bayangkan aku tulis semua benda alah ni kat FB, maunya orang kesiankan aku. Hahah. Walaupun aku suka je orang care pasal aku, tapi, hmm apa maknanya. Tiada maknanya. Ok lah, sis raklu. Pape roger.

Capai

Maybe at one point I’m being too ambitious, atau overthink. Tapi aku rasa perlu aku berfikir jauh dan ambitious dengan situasi aku sekarang yang mana aku tak boleh bergantung harap pada orang untuk settle-kan my own struggle and problem, even my own family and siblings, sebab masing-masing ada komitmen masing-masing.

Selagi aku belum capai apa yang aku nak atau jumpa dengan someone (hew hew) yang nak bersusah payah dengan aku, selagi tu aku akan rasa insecure. Selagi tu aku akan rasa aku hanya cuma bebanan yang tak mampu beri sumbangan pada orang, apatah lagi pada kedua ibu bapa aku.

Mungkin berfikiran jauh ni ada baiknya, sebab aku tahu layaknya aku di sisi orang (phew geli la pulak jiwang-jiwang ni) tapi serius, there are still a lot that I want to accomplish but I have to struggle for it. My clock is ticking. People may say, age is just a number, but for me, it is like a time bomb. If I don’t start planning my life now, I would be a dead meat, yang takde hala tuju, yang lost dalam kehidupan, yang tak mampu nak capai apa-apa. Pathetic. Sekarang aku patut fikir jugak dah pasal investment, pasal saving. Ye, memang indah difikirknan bersama padangan (pfft) tapi better lah fikir je sendiri dulu sebab jodoh yang pasti tu kan kematian. Hehe. Jodoh di dunia ni kan hanya sementera. Dapat insuran ke apa yang khairat kematian untuk orang yang ditinggalkan pun dah kira ok dah tu. Hihi.

Oklah. Malas dah lah nak sedih-sedih. Fikir padia. Orang lain dah sibuk dengan life realiti. Aku masih sibuk dengan life dan penulisan sendu di blog. Sobs. Haih, sendunya kehidupan. Haha.

_________

Just a random conversation with my friend the other day

Me : Weyh, ko nak tau tak, orang yang pernah approach aku hari tu, rupanya dia dah kahwin dah. Aku jugak yang kalah

Aku sajalah stalk. Rupanya dia dah remove aku dari ig followers dan nampak dp gambar kahwin. Hew. hew.

Dia : Mana ada kalah menang. Kau ni pun.

Me : Kalah la. Reject2 orang. Last-last single jugak. Booo. Padan muka jual mahal. Camtulah konsep dia.

Aku cuba berhujah.

Dia : Tak jual mahal pun. Kalau bukan jodoh, tak jadi jugak. So anggap je lah macam tu. Tak yah penat-penat jaga jodoh orang.

Kawan aku sedaya upaya taknak buat aku rasa down. Haha.

Me : Tapi kan aku ada cipta satu quote hari tu. Kau lupa ke. Aku tak kisah dah kalau sebenarnya aku jaga jodoh orang. Entah-entah sebenarnya orang pun tengah jagakan aku untuk jodoh aku. Kahkah.

Aku gelak sendu.

Detik

Kadang-kadang bila aku rasa down atau perlukan sosuatu utk boost balik motivation, aku akan tgk balik penyertaan atau kejayaan yang aku penah dapat. Tapi bukanlah kejayaan hebat jika nak dibandingkan dengan orang lain yang pernah capai itu ini, wakil itu ini. Tapi kejayaan yang aku sendiri men-definisioperasi-kan.

Aku rasa dari kecil, aku bukan jenis orang yang sukakan pertandingan. Aku tak suka bertanding untuk menang. Aku akan overwhelm dengan rasa menang. Aku taktahu lah, mungkin ianya boleh jadi kelemahan sebab taknak jadi yang terbaik untuk compete dengan orang lain. Tapi tak bermakna aku buat sambil lewa.

Sebab, kehidupan aku selalu jadi begini; bila mana aku tak bertanding, aku tak berharap, akhirnya, itu yang aku akan dapat, dengan izin Allah. Kadang2 boleh jadi, aku tak merancang, tapi ianya hadir di depan mata, dengan cara yang aku tak pernah sangka.

Dari situ, aku belajar untuk tidak terlalu mengharap, tapi teruskan usaha, dengan kapasiti aku. Buat selagi mampu; dengan ihsan dan itqan. Moga keputusan yang dapat lepas tu, itulah yang terbaik yang telah ditetapkan.

Dari situ juga, bila aku belajar untuk bersederhana meletakkan pengharapan pada dunia, aku rasa kurang kecewa bila ianya tak menjadi milik aku. Aku belajar untuk melepaskan. Aku belajar untuk rasa reda. Tak kiralah dalam skop apa pun. Atau mungkin saja, rasa sakit apabila tak dapat capai sesuatu yang diharapkan, masih berbekas.

Hmm.

Entahlah. Mungkin ini sebenarnya hanya fasa mendewasa; yang setiap hari, aku mula mengira detik waktu dan derapan langkah.

Entahlah.