Relationship (tbc)

Dalam post kali ini, aku ingin berbicara sedikit tentang sisi pandang aku pasal perhubungan (relationship) di usia 31. Oh btw, dah lama juga rupanya aku tidak menulis, padahal dulu menulis adalah satu eskapism aku bila mana aku tidak punya ruang untuk meluah. Namun sekarang bila sudah banyak terhanyut dengan tiktok dan media sosial, aku merasakan ruang tersebut lagi mudah untuk aku cope dengan rasa down aku. Aku tahu ia tidak sihat, tapi mungkin sebab sifatnya yang mudah diakses dan tidak memerlukan fokus span yang panjang, aku memilih jalan tersebut.

Oh dan lagi satu, aku mula kembali menonton kdrama, yang mana dulu zaman A-level, kdrama lah tempat aku mengisi masa lapang dan waktu di UK, aku stop lama sebab aku sedar ia semacam kurang berfaedah berbanding membaca, tapi sekarang aku kembali dengn kdrama sebab err mungkin aku dah bukan Amalina waktu di UK dulu. To be honest, aku rindu juga aku di zaman bulatan-bulatan gembira, cumanya bila aku mendewasa, aku rasa aku makin menjauh dan tidak dapat cope lagi dengan jalan tersebut. Aku belum cukup kuat untuk terus di jalan tu. Aku tahu saja, orang kata, kalau tak buat semua, jangan tinggal semua, namun ada peristiwa yang cukup terkesan untuk aku yang membuatkan aku rasa, cukuplah dengan silaturahim itu sebab aku tak mampu lagi berjalan dan berlari ke arah itu. Eh, sudah jauh juga aku mukadimah ni. Bukan tadi kata nak cakap pasal relationship ke.

Ok berbalik kepada relationship tu tadi, 

Malas

 At this point, aku rasa aku macam writers block. Aku tahu je sebabnya, sebab aku tak banyak membaca and it clearly show bila aku tak pandai dah nak merangka ayat. Even nak menterjemahkan sesuatu dalam pemikiran aku pun rasa susah.

Dia macam kau susah nak articulate apa dalam pemikiran kau untuk terjemahkan kepada sesuatu yang orang mudah faham.

Tapi aku rasa aku memang struggle benda ni dari dulu pun. Especially bila aku study. Aku faham ke konsep tapi bila nak terangkan balik dalam kertas exam ke apa, aku jadi blur and blank. Semua benda yang aku fikir semua berterabur dan waktu tu aku tahu yang daya ingatan aku lemah dan I am bad in consolidating ideas.

Kadang kan, aku tahu je punca dan aku tahu je penyelesaian tapi aku malas. Aku keep restraining myself from moving forward sebab aku malas dan ye aku tahu malas ini penyakit syaitan. Takkan aku nak kawan dengan syaitan. Hmm. Oklah tu je nak bebel. Ok bai

Kecewa

Kadang-kadang aku rasa aku yang banyak mengecewakan diri aku daripada aku kecewakan orang lain. Aku selalu indecisive and reject myself before take plan to improve myself. Mungkin kadang-kadang aku buat keputusan dengan apa yang aku rasa sekarang sebelum aku fikir jauh-jauh plan seterusnya.

Dan aku sanggup korbankan diri aku daripada bertahan dengan orang yang aku tak selesa bekerja dengan. Padahal kalau aku boleh adapt, adjust and tolerate, mungkin aku boleh enhance diri aku. Tapi aku take the feedback so harshly dan reject myself.

Entahlah weyh..

Surviving

Hey, it has been a looong time I haven’t write anything, neither in blog or in my journal. I am not that occupied, to be honest, since the beginning of 2023. Some changes happened in my life in terms of my career development. Due to the some uncertainties, I have to search for another job. To be honest, I like what I am doing at that time at the company and the colleagues are very supportive and the location is strategic (not hectic) but yeah things happen. At the end of the day, we only have ourselves to determine our own journey.

So yeah, I will be starting a new job in mid May. Alhamdulillah it come at the right time and it does align with my career journey and interest. All the best to me! I still feel a bit nervous because it is my first time working in a busy city but the experience that will make it worth. Insha Allah.

Oh, today is 18th Ramadan btw and around 12 or 11 days to Hari Raya and also nearly at the 10 hari terakhir bulan Ramadan. How time flies!

The funny thing is, I think that this Raya I will be raya berdua but still I will be raya single hahah. But I’m blessed to be honest, I still can Raya with my parents, being their youngest kid in the house yaww. Hahah.

I feel like update a bit of my feeling but not in this post. See you later in the next post!

Hello 2023!

Hi 2023!

It is already year of 2023 which I will be going 31 this year. Omg. I have never though that I will be this age, unmarried hahah. No la. I am doing okay. At least I have a job as of now and I am passionate on what I am doing. It is just that it does not really go to what I expected when I am 20 years old.

I imagine myself having a career as pharmacist and either work at the hospital or being the community pharmacist. But little that I know, I am currently working in consulting industry, working on organisation management area.

Well, at least at the age of 28 the other time, I manage to identify what I am leaning to, which is more towards the industrial and organisational psychology area.

So, what do I expect in 2023?

To be honest, I learnt not to put my expectation so high. Maybe I just embracing the current moment and do what I thing I am best at. This year will be the year to re-love myself. This year will be challenging though as I think most of my age already achieve at the peak of their life; their career journey, their families, their assets, or anything that the society's think how 30s should be.

But, let me repeat!

Everyone has different timeline and it is unfair to compare yourself with other people. You have developed your own self throughout the past years and look at where you are now. The fact that you are still surviving is more than enough. At least you are still alive and you keep going even though the path seem slow, but at least you are moving one step further.

I thing I hope this year is to unlock my own potential, being brave enough to speak up and voice out my opinion. Reading is one thing that I want to reactivate. I have been in a state where I keep denying my passion or hobbies. I like reading the other day, but I don't know since when the reading habit is just gone.

So, I do not want to expect to much in 2023. As long as I finish what I started, is more than enough.

Keep going, even though it might seem blurry.

Everyone is struggle in their own way. Anything is possible if you work for it.

Love,

Amal

Summary of My 2022

Before I come out with the 2023 resolution, I think I better re-look at my 2022 journey. How have I achieving so far and did I manage to achieve my 2022 resolution as I mentioned earlier.

Ok, referring to the post dated 2th January 2022, I clearly mentioned 3 resolutions that I want to achieve in 2022. Ok let me quote again

• Having my first car
• Finishing my postgraduate study
• Learn as much as I can in my work

That is very simple and straight forward I think but let us go through one by one

Having my first car

Alhamdulillah I manage to achieve my first resolution. Being able to have my own car and starting my own commitment is really the meaning of adulting. In order to being able to fulfil the commitment, then I have to have a stable job or at least have my financial management in place. There is no one for me that I can depend on and it is only me and myself. Whatever it is, I have to work hard to ace in my career, being financially independent and empower my own self.

Finishing my postgraduate study

Sorry my dear self, I did not fulfil this. I think I almost at the end of my progress in chapter 5 writing but there is something that keep me procrastinating. I hate that. To say that I am occupied with the work, hurm not really. I think it is just my attitude. Ok, I should reallllllyyyyyyyyy finish what I already started. Ok, enough giving reason, now finish my thesis!

Learn as much as I can in my work

In the beginning of the year, it seemed that everything in place. I have my superior which I highly respect them. I want to learn so many things from them. My first superior was so intelligent and smart. She is the role model of empowered independent women. There is so much thing that I learnt from her. Mostly on the work process and culture of work. In the middle of the year, there is a change of supervisor and he is really inspiring that I am looking forward to learn as much as I can from him. I also feel so blessed that I have a good team and colleagues that we support each other. 

But there is one thing we should learn from life; we should have manage our expectation. Things not really went to what I expected, or everyone expected. Towards at the end of the year, the individuals that I am looking forward to learn as much from then, leave one by one. Due to some internal matters, they are leaving. Not because they have to go, but one thing I learn is that, when things did not happen to what you expect, you have the choice to choose your life. When world seem unfair to you, after you have fought for it and nothing could have changed, you can choose to walk away and look up for your own destination and journey. When things are no longer in line with your direction, you can always search for new opportunities.

But, not gonna lie, the work that I am currently doing now, suit my career journey. It just that, things happen along the way and it is challenging now for us. Being promoted within one year is an achievement for me. I do not know how my future will be. I am in the midst of finding another opportunities.