Happiness

Hey, it has been quite a time I do not write anything in this blog. Today, I just feel like want to write about happiness. 

There is one point in my life that I feel so happy, feeling so occupied with my life and people around me, feeling that I am worth it and valuable to some people. I just feel blessed that I have been acknowledge. But after some time, when I know, it is not temporary, it fades eventually.

I thought I have found my happiness, but I forgot that I cannot rely my happiness on people. I can’t beg too much nor care too much to seek happiness from human being. I want to, but at the end, I know it will only make me feel like I am begging for something unreal and untrue.

Hmm. It’s okay. May us all find our own happiness one day, but for now, let me enjoy my temporary happiness of buying stuff for myself. Yeay!

I have bought a new pink Logitech keyboard. Omg I love it! It is so aesthetic and cute and I feel like I want to bite it. Haha. Last time I bought a bluetooth keyboard which it came together with the ipad casing. But after a few months, some of the key is not functioning. That’s the problem when you buy non-original item. Ha padan muka kau Amalina. Adeh. Lepas tu, geram sebab tak boleh nak taip dah, ha ada duit lebih sikit, tu yang beli keyboard ni. Ha, puas hati!

So, that’s the current thing that can give me happiness, buying stuff for myself. Yeayy!

Oklah takde apa, random je. Bye!

Oh ya, just a quick update for myself in the future, I feel so blessed that I my application for PTPTN exception repayment for first class degree have been accepted. At least, I don’t have to add on the debt to my life. Sobs. Huhu. 

Oh, and another thing, Husna come out with a random idea to start a small business and we had a random brainstorming last night. I hope it went well! Dah lama nak rasa ada business partner cause I easily feel demotivated when doing my business alone. Dah pernah try dah. But it never last long because I have other commitment. Now, dua-dua tengah study jugak, so both of us should know how to make this happen. Insha allah.

“Husna kenal tak brand Calaqisya? Suka betul tengok business family dorang buat sama-sama. Beli rumah sebelah-sebelah dan berjiran adik beradik”

“Ok jom! Kita berjiran sampai syurga!”

*Insert glassy eye emoji

Journey

I remember having a psychology class and my lecturer mentioned that, being a counsellor or psychologist, sometimes, it is also something to consider that they themselves having the emotional support. That's when it comes to the social support from their fellow psychologist itself. I would say that, it is not necessarily about discussing the problems or issues about their client, but also have to consider their human being characteristic of wanting to be emotionally support. My lecturer also mentioned that one thing of a psychologist is to differentiate yourself from your professional characteristics and your personal characteristics. By this, she means that having to have a trust on how we present ourselves with the client and with our social life should be differentiated.

I firstly do not understand this annotation as I thought we should be open with our personalities so that people will see us as a human being rather than someone different when it comes to your career. But later I understand that it is important because someone might have trust issues if you are behaving too much casual or laid back during your session.

I can relate this with my previous experience where I was given a responsibility to become a 'naqibah' in a religious circle. I firstly denied of the responsibility thinking that I am not good enough and I still have so many to learn that I am unable to guide people in the right way. I also have some personalities that I think that people may have some judgement on me. For example like, my hobby, interest, the way I dressed up etc which not fully reflected on how a muslimah should be. I would say my approach in not conventional; I am not feminine, I am not the 'ayu' type of muslimah that people can trust me, I love to dress up (and not wearing the conventional tshirt muslimah and tudung labung type, but I cover what need to be covered ok). Those unconventional personality somehow makes me think of the 'tsiqah' of the adik-adik towards me. I just try to be the way I am, behaving like my own self when it comes to socially interact with them, but when we are having a circle, I try to behave as typical presenter, so that at least they have some trust in me.

And to juggle with those two, is really hard. It is like a battle within your own self and the truth. I want to be both, but for a certain reason, I can't. How can I be playful at one time, but at other time, I have to be professional. People may find it hard to differentiate which is my true self. You should have the different circle which you can be playful but at the same time, you do need the circle that you can discuss about some serious matters. But, is there any way that I can achieve both? From my experience, I can only see disappointment. I only met a few, but the few will eventually find their our way, leaving me with my searching. Or maybe, they also did not get something by sticking with me, so they need to search for another meaning of life, which we are no longer mutually agree on.

Helper also need to be helped. Sometimes, we care for people too much that it is hurtful when you realized that no one will ever care about you. Sometimes, you bother for some issues that much that you forget that the matters is none of your business. 

So at the end of the day, it is better you don't bother of anything in the first place when you know you will not find your own support systems. Unless you are given some rewards at the end or you can just ignore getting anything in return because you already have what you want.

This life is complicated, huh. Welcome 2021; the loneliest journey of the own self. 

Spectacles - How Do I Look

I was asking a few of my trusted friends, about my before and then look. One is with the previous spectacle with not-that-round bold black frame and the other one with the current transparent frame. At first, I thought it just for the sake of asking some validation of my look, because recently I have been missing my old look so much. But it is more than that.

I realized that having to change the spectacle does give me a different look. A more mature yet stylish, I don’t know, but it just look weird seeing my naked face with no black frame specs. at first when I plan to choose buying this frame, I convinced myself that I want to come out with different fresh look because I kind of bored with my same old black frame spec. It turned out that I am quite enjoy with the look for at least a few months. But it just recently that this things keep buzzing my thoughts.

I also previously asked my niece and nephew about my new looks. Either they like their Acu with the previous specs or the current one. Out of 4, 3 of my niece and nephew voted for the black frame spec, only Irfan voted for my new look. It is so funny when I asked their reasons, Dina said that the current look doesn’t look like Acu, and it feel like a different person. I cannot deny it. While Irfan, choosing the current look, said that he can see my face clearer now, well maybe there is no obstacle in seeing my whole face. Haha. Maybe.

I thought I don’t mind that much about my spec and my look and it just comes sometimes, until I realized, I just miss my old self so much that I look up validation from my friends. I asked them to vote which look that make me look younger, and as I expected, the one with the black frame did make me look much younger, as it give the nerd and kind of naive look. Haha.

I think again, why this matter bother me that much. It just a spectacle. It just a look of myself but until I cannot find the answer, it keeps bothering me. I am no longer feel happy seeing myself (yeah, that’s the thing that keep me happy, looking myself smile back in the mirror. After some self insight, (maybe because last time when I am in doubt, I used to converse with my friend, and they help me unravel the thoughts, but now it took much longer than I think to put the puzzle into pieces and slowing down my nerve) I found out the reason why I am questioning so much about this.

Looking into the mirror, looking at myself, in the year 2021, I realize that I have grown up a year older. People may say, it just an age, it just a number, at least you are still young at heart. But being me, it does give a significant meaning about it. All this while, I am asking people about the my look, because I feel insecure about my age. I feel insecure about my look. I feel insecure about my achievement. I feel insecure with my friends and peers. I feel insecure about much of the things that I try to reach out people to give me some soothing words.

It is so confusing, being me, living in the body of unmatch timeline with others. I could be friend with friends of my same age, as they have been living different phase of life. I could be friends with those in the same era with me (freshly graduated) because they think I am too old for them and that just doesn’t click. That is why go here and there, trying to search my own happiness in this lonely. Just being self-centered, falling in love with myself and even adoring my own self, because at the end of the day, no one will ever said that to me.

And I think it is a blessing that this writing flow smoothly from my mind, to unravel my thoughts and doubts. 

How a small thing, from asking about my specs and reflecting my own looks could bring me this far. 

At least I have this space to calm myself, right?

Hilang | Bab 3 : Kembali

Understand that healing and growing can distance you from people who you once had a bond with, and it can also bring you closer to those who will heal and grow with you. The time in between can be difficult, but there is so much to learn in solitude.

Satu posting yang dikongsi oleh kenalan lalu di timeline FB aku. Sungguh aku rasa tepat memaknai apa yang dilalui masa dulu dan sekarang. Satu perjalanan kembali yang buat aku untuk detach dengan sesiapa pun yang pernah aku rapat pada ketika itu. Pulang aku ke Malaysia, ramai cuba untuk hubungi aku, namun aku hanya sambut sapaan mereka dengan jawapan bersahaja tanpa nada setelah beberapa ketika dan ada juga yang aku hanya biarkan sunyi tanpa berbalas.

Namun, mereka tak pernah putus asa, ada beberapa kali, dihantarkan kepadaku surat dan hadiah sebagai tanda ingatan. Meniupkan aku semangat untuk kembali seperti Amalina yang dahulu, yang kelakar, ceria dan suka mengusik. Pulangnya aku ke Malaysia ibarat menjadi diriku yang baru. Aku tak pernah lupakan mereka, malah aku bertambah sedih bila mengenangkan aku terpaksa melupakan mereka kerana aku tak mahu memori hitam aku di sana kembali menghantui diri. Mengingati mereka adalah seperti mengingati masa-masa yang sepatutnya aku berada di sana, yang mana akhirnya buat aku bertambah sedih dan murung.

Tapi mereka tak pernah putus asa. Ada satu masa, mereka pulang ke Malaysia, mereka lawat aku di sini. Padahal mereka dari negeri yang berbeza. Ada yang dari Terengganu, ada dari Bangi tapi disebabkan mereka tahu aku memerlukan sokongan fizikal, mereka datang juga. Tidur beberapa malam di rumah aku, sambil kami luangkan masa di kawasan berdekatan. Rasa terharu tu masih ada hingga kini. Bagi yang tak dapat lawat aku, mereka wakilkan diri melalui surat, kad, hadiah dan perkara tu cukup buat aku rasa, aku masih diingati.

Tiga tahun berlalu, hanya pada masa-masa terakhir fasa healing aku, aku rasakan perlu untuk aku hubungi mereka semula. Waktu itu juga, aku rasa sudah bersedia untuk berjumpa dengan mereka, menghadiri walimah kenalan yang aku rapat, dan mereka tak pernah lupakan aku. Cuma hanya aku yang menghilangkan diri. Hingga sampai waktu aku ingin kembali, mereka terima dengan hati yang terbuka tanpa banyak persoalan ke mana hilangnya seorang Amalina.

Terima kasih kerana tidak putus asa pada diriku.

Terima kasih kerana masih menerima aku seadanya tanpa banyak persoalan.

Terima kasih kerana tidak terasa bila aku menjauhkan diri.

Sebab itu kawan, aku faham benar rasa itu bila kau cuba hilang.

Pergilah seketika. Kelak bila kau ingin kembali, ketahuilah, aku masih menerima.

Belanja

Ramai jugak pagi tadi orang bersarapan di medan selera depan masjid tu. Ada yang dengan keluarga, ada yang dengan kawan-kawan, ada yang lepas bersenam pun ada dengan kasut sukannya.

Berkira-kira juga nak duduk di mana sebab memang kerusi penuh. Tapi akhirnya meja jauh sikit sebelah student UPSI kot jadi pilihan. Mak duduk kat situ dulu sementara aku dengan abang aku order nak makan apa. Nasi kerabu 2, satu untuk aku, satu untuk mak dan laksam untuk Wan.

Waktu nak duduk di kerusi tu lah aku perasan ada sesusuk figura yang aku semacam kenal. Aku ambil masa juga nak cam. Ye lah, macam tak percaya dia ada kat sini. Memang selalu jumpa random dan tak disangka. Nak cakap kawan, takdelah rapat. Cuma kenalan yang pernah kenal waktu aku kerja RA dulu tahun 2015. Dia student bos aku time tu. Waktu tu dia dah tahun akhir di UPSI dan tahun tu juga aku jumpa kenalan di UPSI yang sebaya aku atau hampir sebaya. 

Aku sempat angkat kening dan tangan sikit tanda aku kenal. Dia pun sama. Sampai nasi kerabu aku, aku makan macam biasa. Maaf, aku jenis kalau makan, memang bersemangat. Yang kenal, mesti tahu. Huhu.

Belum habis makan, makcik di kedai tu datang, kata ada orang nak bayarkan. Mak dan abang aku dah pelik. Aku pandang sekilas kenalan aku tu dengan isyarat bayar ke? Dengan muka takpe2, ha aku tau mesti dia belanja. Adeh. Segan. Mana aku nak sorok muka ni.

"Ade kenal siapa2 ke kat sini?" abang aku dah pelik.

"Err, kawan adik tu kot bayarkan." Aku terpaksa pecah tembelang sambil pandang ke meja depan. Waktu tu dah tak tahu muka nak sorok kat mana. Taktahu nak beriaksi macam mana. Alahai.

Aku memang rasa nak ke meja kenalan aku tu nak ucap terima kasih. Tapi rasa segan aku mengalahkan segalanya. Ye lah, dah lah dia semeje dengan kawan dia. Tak manis la pula aku yang perempuan ni nak ke meja sana. Sudahnya, aku habiskan makan nasi kerabu dan berharap bila dia bangun dari kerusi, aku sempat pandang sekilas sambil ucap terima kasih.

Dan memang, ucapan terima kasih aku hanya terluah bila dia betul2 bangun dari kerusi sebab aku segan untuk panjangkan perbualan.

Cuma beberapa ketika lepas balik, aku mesej sebaris ucapkan terima kasih.

Tapi sungguhlah, jangan buat aku macam ni lagi depan family aku. Sungguh aku taktahu nak sorok muka macam mana. Macam tu lah, bila tak pernah ada kawan berlainan jantina. Walaupun kawan yang sememangnya kawan pun aku rasa segan nak kata kat family, itu kawan adik.

Cuma bila sekarang aku berkawan dengan yang lagi muda, aku kurang rasa segan dan insecure sebab takda apa dah aku nak control. Aku tahu  mereka hanya akan anggap aku macam kakak-kakak dan takkan tersuka aku bila aku terlebih ramah. Eh, tiber. Perasan betul. Ahahah