End of May 2022

It has been a long time I haven't write anything here. There is so much things happened in my life since the last time I'm blogging. I think previously the reason why I start re-blogging and writing is because I have no one to talk to and it is Covid and it is just so frustrating that I (and most of us) stuck with our life at that time. It is like your life frozen and become stagnant and just until 2 years later, everything will be starting over. So, yes myself, let's do some housekeeping to update on myself what I have been up to.

So, yeah, since November last year, I have fully moved to Seremban to my first workplace after graduation. Surely there is a lot of things have happened and changed but most importantly, I feel more content. Taktahu lah aspek apa yang aku rasa terisi tu, tapi aku rasa majoriti kepada kepuasan kepada kerja yang aku sekarang.

People might not understand which area or sector I would like to be into, because to be honest, I think I am a generalist, I don't have any specific skills or knowledge that I am expert on but I can do anything based on the task given to me. But of course, I still have one career pathway and direction that I would like to  be expert on, at least when my age reaching 30. At this age, when most of my friend already find their own things that they can perform well and even become the subject matter expert, for example, I feel like I should have reach to that phase.

Maybe I don't to compare that much with that, for example like through material or monetary aspects, but maybe I should have look at another angle on how my journey would shape what and how I am doing now.

Believe it or not, I am able to reach this far, the journey that I never think about. The journey that I just planned silently in my mind, through my indirect and direct involvement in volunteerism and social development sector. People might not understand how psychology might relate to what I am doing now, but believe me, learning psychology, you can put yourselves almost anywhere you want to go, the key is to find your interest and invest your time in the area you want to focus on once you find your way.

So, here I am. I would say that the journey that I am walking right now is the journey that I look forward since my active involvement in students association or non-profit organisation. The journey is still far. I still have a lot of things to learn but I am glad that along the way, I met and get to know people with the same aspiration and that is what make myself more motivated. Even the previous circle might not know what I am really doing, but that doesn't matter. What's more important is how I'm blessed with this journey.

Of course, along the way, there are hiccups in life, constant fighting with my own thoughts and mind, see people come and go, but there's nothing I could do much because it is how life works. Growing up, I learn to manage my own expectation and put little or no trust to anyone, except for myself. I have been hurt so much with my past and I won't let anyone to destroy again what I was hardly try to heal myself from.

I am still sad, I am still hurt but at least, this is what I can do; to live the moment.

Love, Amal.

Cebisan

Sudah sampai masanya, dunia ini akan berputar sekitar Aku. Entah ke mana hilang rasa kebersamaan yang aku dulu agung-agungkan. Entah ke mana rasa jalan ini perlu dilalui bersama yang pernah dulu aku begitu sayang untuk dilepaskan.

Jangan tanya kenapa. Aku juga tidak mengerti. Saat diri ini cuba mencari keping-keping cebisan diri, aku hilang diri yang satu lagi. Entah itu baik atau tidak untuk aku, aku tidak mengerti.

Aku bukan salahkan pada mereka. Aku bukan salahkan pada persekitaran. Aku cuba salahkan diri sendiri yang tidak lagi punya rasa yang sama.

Buat aku yang mencari diri, ingat bahawa dunia ini tidak lama. Entah esok lusa pun belum akan pasti tiba.

2022: A new chapter

2022. Hello new chapter.

2021 has been an up-and-down year for me. I started the year with a new chapter, continuing my postgraduate study, in the middle of pandemic. I thought it was a blessed journey for me as I finish my undergraduate year.

It never been in my mind that I would ever continue for postgraduate at that immediate time right after my undergraduate degree but Allah has a better plan for me. I started with becoming a research assistant for my lecturer, then after she offered me to become a graduate research assistant under her grant.

It was a blessed journey for me as during the pandemic, people are losing their job and new job are hardly to find but I am able to secure a job, although for a one year contract, but at least, I am able to be independent. I am able to live another one year with my parents and be with them during the pandemic. Being the youngest among the sibling, I realize that I am the child that live longer with my parents while I am growing up during my adult year. I am able to be with them during the adaptation of the new norm. I am blessed. Alhamdulillah.

In the middle of year 2020, I started to think of my own career path. My research study have been almost completed with data collection and data analysis. I am glad that I had been given a supportive supervisor to ease the postgraduate journey and the research grant. I learnt a lot working with the research teams. At that point, when I am on my way completing my postgraduate study, my friends asked me how do I feel of continuing the study. To be honest, I would say that, this is maybe not my plan in the beginning but I see it as an opportunity. A very good opportunity to start my journey. I am blessed with the choice that I chose.

I would like to explore more of my career path. Previously I thought I would want to become a clinical psychologist or a lecturer, but I thirst for the experience, especially working with people of different background. I would like to have colleagues where I can exchange the knowledge and insights. I want to be in the real world and the real field.

Then, I stumbled upon an opportunity to expand my career journey. At first, I thought I apply the works just for the sake of experience, but little that I know that I have been accepted to join the company. Since the nature of work is still working from home due to covid-19, I am able to balance my work and my study. Luckily my company understands my commitment towards the study and at one point I have to attend discussion with my supervisors.

Fast forward, I manage to adapt with the new working environment, but have some challenging times with my study. It is not that I lose hope but I feel like I like being at work better than having to read, write and publish paper etc. My initial intention to send my final thesis during semester 3 seem not being able to achieve since I did not juggle my work and thesis writing properly. However, I managed to gain a lot of new knowledge in the company.

Apart from that, 2021 is also a heartbreaking year for me. I would say that memory is a good lesson for me. A lesson about understanding myself and other people. It is not an easy journey and I feel blessed that during that time, when I almost lost contact with my friend and feel so suffocated with being alone, I managed to have some insightful conversation to brighten up my day, although it is temporary. It was really temporary and as I snapped out from the reality, I realize, it is just another memories that crafted as a lesson, not a permanent memories that I can cherish on.

I was so heartbroken at that day but quickly stood up from my misery. I have prepared for all this. I have managed my expectation, but what make me surprise is that it happened so sudden that not even a proper closure or good bye was said. It is just like a dream in unreal world. It is just a like a movie that have a sad ending.

However, I am glad that it happens only for a short moments. I do take some time to digest but with my busy life, everything back to normal. People did not realize what I have been facing. I am still the same. I am healing in my own way and for that, I forgive myself.

2022.

I don't have any high expectation for my life, except for some personal achievement. So here is my own resolution

• Having my first car
• Finishing my postgraduate study
• Learn as much as I can in my work

Other than that, let see how 2022 will be.

May Allah ease our journey.

With love,

Amalina