Difficult

Sometimes I think that will there be a different if I am more mentally stable. I mean like, if I don’t have much issues in my life and my timeline is not that difficult, will it be any much easier for me to go through this life. Sometimes I am quite jealous with the life of others who seem to be smooth and easy for them. They study, graduated at the right age, got a job, getting married, having carrier etc and they can do whatever they want after that. Maybe they will be some hurdle and obstacles along the way like life after the marriage etc, but at least they have gone through the phase that supposedly a human being should go through. I mean like, according to the timeline.

People would say that everybody has their own timeline and so do I. At first, that sentence is like a motivation for me to just focus on what I am doing and not comparing it with other people, but as time goes by, the more I think about it, the more it gets annoying. People are trying to comfort me with that sentence when in fact they really can’t relate with that. It gets more annoying when people say that they have some difficulties too but what they showed to the public, openly, is the other way round. It just like they said something to make you feel better and saying that they are in the same boat, but actually they are doing well and their boat is even better now, and they just left you with the spoil boat that haven’t been fix.

But I realize that, it is their life. It is their choice of choosing happiness. Being someone that is not significant to anyone’s life, you cannot control what other’s are behaving. You did not own them. Maybe both of you met for a certain reason only at certain time, and when one party has achieved what they really need, they will just leave you with your own struggle. And the fact that they already find their happiness, it will be so cruel for you to drag them back to your own sad world. They can be selfish when it is involve their well-being. They can choose to be like that. Or maybe after this while, I am the toxic person in their life that keep dragging them in my gloomy world when in fact they almost reach their way out to the happiness. Since I am a difficult person, there is no way to make me feel better, and leaving is the only option.

I don’t know why this post is so sad. I think it is not a sad vibe, rather just a rationalization on why some things did not happen they way you plan. It just some rationalization that doubting own self is better that putting the doubt to other people. People are not wrong. I am wrong even in the beginning. I think self-blaming is better to make me feel better. At least I don’t hate people. I don’t put the grudge on them when they are doing something that hurt my heart. It is me who gets so sensitive easily and I cannot control what others are behaving but I can control how am I behaving. They may not know they are doing wrong. It is me who overthink something that kills me slowly.

People are not wrong. I am wrong, to feel this way.