I remember having the phase where I blame myself so much about what had happened; about the non-completion of my degree year. I blame myself for not giving the best push of myself until I finish. The thought that I just make my life harder by dragging the burden of the non-completion for the rest of myself was killing me. There was no one I can talk about it. I am bad at expressing my emotion, even to my family or siblings, let alone to my friends. I feel ashamed of not becoming the one that my parents were proud of. I feel ashamed when people around me look up on me, but I do the other way round. I saw myself as a unfinished products that doesn’t deserve any recognition from any people.
That was my thinking back then.
I still get the physical support from my surrounding, but what I think lacking is someone to listen. People came and gave advices but little that they know, I don’t need advices, I just need my voice to be listened. I need my emotion to be validated. So, I better keep that thoughts only to myself. I try to search my safe space to express without anyone give me judgement or advices straight away.
Then, I tried fnding different ways in meeting people. I don’t feel comfortable meeting people face to face. In fact, I have tried. But the religious advices they gave me really just make myself like a loser, as if I don’t have a strong faith. Only Allah knows how I begged to Him for a peace and calm heart. Then, I realized that my safe space is through writing. But I don’t want to share my thoughts where there is my friends and and my known circle is reading. I don’t like to be sympathized by other people. People reading my stories, make assumption, but they feel helpless to give any help. I understand they want to help, they want to reach out, but didn’t know how. I don’t blame them. It is me who doesn’t give them the space to help me, and I am not that ready at that time. So, I need to find alternative ways to just really talk to someone that want to listen. The more stranger they are, and the less likely for them to know my real life, the better.
Finally found.
That is when I found a platform where I can talk to strangers without being judged. At first, I joined the platform as a normal person; behaving like someone random trying to make friends. Then, I slowly get attached to someone or some people that I can trust to share my stories. It never took a short time. I need some time observing to know their personality based on their writing. Some of them are way older, some of them just few years older, some are same age and some are younger. And yes, we don’t know them in the real life and the probability to meet them in person is very low, except we plan to meet. That is actually makes me even more secure.
From there, I met people having the same ‘finding way’ like me. I met people who had experience other worst things in their life. I met people who is just like me; searching for someone to be listened. And it turned out that, it is an escapism place for me, and I spent most of my nights there; typing and chatting my thoughts or reading others thoughts. As for someone like me who is mostly introvert and prefer writing than talking, that is the best platform for me to express.
But there is one thing I am afraid of; developing an attachment to those people I am comfortably share my thoughts with, especially to the opposite gender, because I grow up, saying that it is a big no, having relationship with a guy. Really. I grow up in an all girl school, not knowing how to make friends with guys. I am that awkward. I try to share my thought with the opposite gender that I am comfortable with, and I realize that they are not bad in listening to problems. Lol. Same with the girls, I am more comfortable to talk with those that are not that girly, if you get what I mean. Because my style of writing is really like a guy. With a non-gender-identified nickname, people always assume that I am a guy, and I feel comfortable that way because I don’t like to get flirted. Lol perasan.
To cut the story short, the platform really helped me in gaining back my strength when I am at my lowest point. Oh, and I remember some random kindness of my online friends that they sent me present when I just casually begging for a present, and they really did. And they don’t ask anything in return. That present is so meaningful to me, reflecting how sincere they are to make someone’s life feel appreciated. Blessed them! It is so beautiful how Allah made our pathway intercept at one point. Even though I afraid of the attachment in the beginning because I understand, at the end of the day, we will go through our separate paths and that will become memories, but the journey will be kept in mind that it is one of the meaningful journey in my life. And at the end of the day, I slowly understand how to move on from the attachment and they are like a family, a brother, a sister for me.
Now, we are all have walked away in our own journey. When thinking back those days, I smile. How meaningful my life is for being able to meet random, kind-hearted strangers. That untold moments in life which I share nowhere, inspire me to pay it forward to other people, be it known or strangers; sending love and kind words, without expecting anything in return.
Whoever or whenever you are or how we met, I pray that one day, you and me will finally find someone significant in our life and heal anything that we have been through alone. If is not now, in the hereafter, and the latter is the best place to return :)
Yours truly,
Amalina
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