I was asking a few of my trusted friends, about my before and then look. One is with the previous spectacle with not-that-round bold black frame and the other one with the current transparent frame. At first, I thought it just for the sake of asking some validation of my look, because recently I have been missing my old look so much. But it is more than that.
I realized that having to change the spectacle does give me a different look. A more mature yet stylish, I don’t know, but it just look weird seeing my naked face with no black frame specs. at first when I plan to choose buying this frame, I convinced myself that I want to come out with different fresh look because I kind of bored with my same old black frame spec. It turned out that I am quite enjoy with the look for at least a few months. But it just recently that this things keep buzzing my thoughts.
I also previously asked my niece and nephew about my new looks. Either they like their Acu with the previous specs or the current one. Out of 4, 3 of my niece and nephew voted for the black frame spec, only Irfan voted for my new look. It is so funny when I asked their reasons, Dina said that the current look doesn’t look like Acu, and it feel like a different person. I cannot deny it. While Irfan, choosing the current look, said that he can see my face clearer now, well maybe there is no obstacle in seeing my whole face. Haha. Maybe.
I thought I don’t mind that much about my spec and my look and it just comes sometimes, until I realized, I just miss my old self so much that I look up validation from my friends. I asked them to vote which look that make me look younger, and as I expected, the one with the black frame did make me look much younger, as it give the nerd and kind of naive look. Haha.
I think again, why this matter bother me that much. It just a spectacle. It just a look of myself but until I cannot find the answer, it keeps bothering me. I am no longer feel happy seeing myself (yeah, that’s the thing that keep me happy, looking myself smile back in the mirror. After some self insight, (maybe because last time when I am in doubt, I used to converse with my friend, and they help me unravel the thoughts, but now it took much longer than I think to put the puzzle into pieces and slowing down my nerve) I found out the reason why I am questioning so much about this.
Looking into the mirror, looking at myself, in the year 2021, I realize that I have grown up a year older. People may say, it just an age, it just a number, at least you are still young at heart. But being me, it does give a significant meaning about it. All this while, I am asking people about the my look, because I feel insecure about my age. I feel insecure about my look. I feel insecure about my achievement. I feel insecure with my friends and peers. I feel insecure about much of the things that I try to reach out people to give me some soothing words.
It is so confusing, being me, living in the body of unmatch timeline with others. I could be friend with friends of my same age, as they have been living different phase of life. I could be friends with those in the same era with me (freshly graduated) because they think I am too old for them and that just doesn’t click. That is why go here and there, trying to search my own happiness in this lonely. Just being self-centered, falling in love with myself and even adoring my own self, because at the end of the day, no one will ever said that to me.
And I think it is a blessing that this writing flow smoothly from my mind, to unravel my thoughts and doubts.
How a small thing, from asking about my specs and reflecting my own looks could bring me this far.
At least I have this space to calm myself, right?
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