Journey

I remember having a psychology class and my lecturer mentioned that, being a counsellor or psychologist, sometimes, it is also something to consider that they themselves having the emotional support. That's when it comes to the social support from their fellow psychologist itself. I would say that, it is not necessarily about discussing the problems or issues about their client, but also have to consider their human being characteristic of wanting to be emotionally support. My lecturer also mentioned that one thing of a psychologist is to differentiate yourself from your professional characteristics and your personal characteristics. By this, she means that having to have a trust on how we present ourselves with the client and with our social life should be differentiated.

I firstly do not understand this annotation as I thought we should be open with our personalities so that people will see us as a human being rather than someone different when it comes to your career. But later I understand that it is important because someone might have trust issues if you are behaving too much casual or laid back during your session.

I can relate this with my previous experience where I was given a responsibility to become a 'naqibah' in a religious circle. I firstly denied of the responsibility thinking that I am not good enough and I still have so many to learn that I am unable to guide people in the right way. I also have some personalities that I think that people may have some judgement on me. For example like, my hobby, interest, the way I dressed up etc which not fully reflected on how a muslimah should be. I would say my approach in not conventional; I am not feminine, I am not the 'ayu' type of muslimah that people can trust me, I love to dress up (and not wearing the conventional tshirt muslimah and tudung labung type, but I cover what need to be covered ok). Those unconventional personality somehow makes me think of the 'tsiqah' of the adik-adik towards me. I just try to be the way I am, behaving like my own self when it comes to socially interact with them, but when we are having a circle, I try to behave as typical presenter, so that at least they have some trust in me.

And to juggle with those two, is really hard. It is like a battle within your own self and the truth. I want to be both, but for a certain reason, I can't. How can I be playful at one time, but at other time, I have to be professional. People may find it hard to differentiate which is my true self. You should have the different circle which you can be playful but at the same time, you do need the circle that you can discuss about some serious matters. But, is there any way that I can achieve both? From my experience, I can only see disappointment. I only met a few, but the few will eventually find their our way, leaving me with my searching. Or maybe, they also did not get something by sticking with me, so they need to search for another meaning of life, which we are no longer mutually agree on.

Helper also need to be helped. Sometimes, we care for people too much that it is hurtful when you realized that no one will ever care about you. Sometimes, you bother for some issues that much that you forget that the matters is none of your business. 

So at the end of the day, it is better you don't bother of anything in the first place when you know you will not find your own support systems. Unless you are given some rewards at the end or you can just ignore getting anything in return because you already have what you want.

This life is complicated, huh. Welcome 2021; the loneliest journey of the own self.