So, tadi someone yang kami sama-sama dah lama tak keep in touch tiba-tiba call aku dan untuk pendekkan cerita, dia cerita pada aku yang dia di diagnose oleh mdd. She realized that the beginning of the story was when her mother died and she felt that she really need the emotional support. She was getting married but unfortunately, the marriage is not helping much in giving her the emotional support. And it is not really the husband is being ignorance or whatnot but it just that the husband is diagnosed with some condition that unable him to provide th emotional and social support.
I can only be the listener and the fact that she trust me to tell about this story is an honor me because people around her still perceive her normally. She really a strong woman.
What really give me the insight is the part that marriage may not really provide you with the emotional support. I am thinking about this many time, if I were getting married, will it change my whole worldview? Will I feel more loved and accepted if I met someone supportive? Will it change how am I feeling right now? What actually I am seeking in marriage life?
That question really haunted me from time to time. Sometimes, I think that I have met someone that can support me emotionally, but little that I know, it just a mere friendship, not more than that. So, I stepped back. I know where I stand. I should stop from feeling too much that at the end, I am the one who will be drown in my own feeling and thoughts. So, I step back and even though it may be hurtful, but it does not take me too long to be myself again. I just have to stand on the reality.
Another part of the story. I also had a conversation with my childhood friend the other time, we chatted about how she met her husband through an online platform at the time when she really put the determination to end her single life, and it was made easier for her. She said that previously she was very sad in her life and she cannot see or feel any happiness in her life, until she get married. This time, I can see there is a big change in her life. I am really happy for her. The marriage that make her found her best friend and her lifetime partner.
And I said to her, I also joined some online platform, but it just that my heart was not fully committed into it. There is so much unsettled business in my life that prevent me to open up myself to other people. Knowing people with the intention of being a lifetime partner is to allow people to know your whole story, either the day when you are the happiest or the day when you are the saddest, and it is not try and error. To tell your story again and again, but at the end, nothing can ever be promised. It was tiring. I am tired of knowing people and I don’t simply allow people to know my story. I think that is why I am reluctant to know new people, let alone with the intention of being a lifetime partner. It is so tiring to start over and over again.
Sometime I just want people to know me through my writing, or ask me through a middle person that if he think that I am too difficult, he may leave first, without having to check on me. It will be easier for me to not telling the whole stories and to be left at the end because I am too difficult to be understood.
At the end, I know I am still not ready for the lifetime commitment.
If one day, I were about to leave the dunya first, I hope I am not a burden to anyone.
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